Struggles

I am really struggling today. It's been coming on for several days now, and today it finally has just hit me full on in the face.  After 6 urinary tract infections in 7 months, my Dr. referred me to a urologist. I met with this new Dr. last Friday. He agrees that something is not right, so has suggested a series of different tests and procedures to determine what it is. Some of the procedures feel, to me, very invasive.  I have discussed with two other doctors the recommended procedures, and they have agreed that these steps do seem necessary to find out what is going on. But, that does not still the anxiety and nervousness I feel. Thinking about the upcoming procedures fills me with dread and anxiety. And it's not like I can just stop thinking about it. Because I can't, I have tried. I know what these procedures entail, and I understand, to a degree, why these are necessary, but that doesn't quell the anxiety. And when I feel anxious or upset or overwhelmed or stressed, I tend to combat those feelings with food, or shopping. But since I don't want to eat my heart out, eat my fears out, eat my feelings out, and my wallet is pretty thin (and will be for the rest of the foreseeable future) I am feeling like I have nothing to combat these feelings. And so I continue to feel anxious and stressed, overwhelmed and upset.  And I want to feel better. I want it over already. But mostly, I just want my body back.

Two More Down

I woke up this morning to a new loss of 45 lbs, yes! Only 55 more to go. I love seeing those two numbers get closer together. I can hardly wait for the day when what I have left to lose is smaller than what I have already lost!

One More Pound Down

Woot! Making myself move again is jump-starting that weight loss, yeah! Another pound down for a total loss of 43 pounds. I am loving the way I am feeling. I don't feel so tired anymore, I mean, I am still tired (hello! I have a 7 month old), but I feel more able to deal with it. I don't hurt as much anymore, my knees are feeling better especially, and my back too. Life is great! Things still get overwhelming and stressful. And life still throws curveballs at me, but I am learning how to get through things, and still manage to find some shred of happiness through it all. I thank God every day for my kids and husband and family, because they are the source of so much joy even if there is a bit of challenges mixed in too. It's all about the balance.

Two More

Another two pounds down! Woohoo! Total loss is now 42 lbs. Feels great! I still have another 58 lbs to go, but that number is getting smaller and smaller. It's slow going, but I know why it is so slow. It's because sometimes I made poor choices in what I eat, and how much I exercise. That is my choice. I could sit here and lie to myself, "I have slow metabolism," or "after age 25, metabolism slows down," or any number of excuses that don't blame me. But the fact of the matter is that I have made choices that cause a slow weight loss. I own that choice, and I will confess up to it. I haven't been exercising like I should be either, which also causes a slow loss.

A friend of mine was talking to me the other day about how boring workout/exercise videos are. She was saying that she needed to do them with somebody, to make it more fun. Hey! I have the same issue! So we decided to meet three times a week and do a Richard Simmons tape that I have ( I have a few). Friday last week was our first day, and it went well. Today we met again, but after a really long weekend, with very little sleep, I was dragging. But I did it anyway, and I feel so much better for it. My friend asked what I did on Tuesdays and Thursdays (Monday, Wednesday and Friday are workout days), and I told her I was going to start do a yoga tape. Well, she wants to come do that too. Which is nice, I need the motivation that someone else is counting on me! So, it looks like this could be the start of something really good :D

Also, I wanted to say, I have been doing really well with my self-hate. I am learning to be kinder and more compassionate to myself. I would never speak to my friends, family, or even enemies the way that I speak to myself. And I figure, I have to live with myself for the rest of forever, I better learn to like myself! And that has been going pretty well of late. Until yesterday. Yesterday I started thinking about how I cared for my 6 year old back when she was a baby. I started feeling guilty about things (related to breastfeeding failure and post partum depression) and really started to beat myself up. As I sat there condemning myself, from inside I heard "why are you beating yourself up, when you did the best you could with what you had. You would never tell someone else in the same situation the things you are telling yourself. So stop it." And I stopped and thought about that. It's true. If someone else was going through the same things I went through, I would be encouraging and supportive, not hateful and spiteful. And so I started to reassure myself that I did everything I could. I did my best. My 6 year old is healthy, smart and thriving. She is loved and cared for. And she knows how much I love her. Those are the important things. I gave my all, and that has to be good enough.