Wednesday, May 25, 2016

So, this isn't easy

I have really been struggling. I have a problem with food. Most food. All food. I am really struggling with portion control, not exercising, not doing the things I should be doing. And I see pictures of myself and I want to vomit. I look back at pictures, at the height of my Graves Disease before treatment, and I look so good. I felt horrible. I was having palpitations, dizziness, nausea, muscle weakness, etc. But dang, I looked good. Nothing like now. I hate the way I look now. I avoid mirrors. I avoid cameras. My husband says he wants pictures of me. The kids will want pictures of me. What happens if I die and there are no pictures of me? etc. Quite frankly, if there aren't any pictures of fat me, maybe nobody will remember me that way. I do not feel good about myself. I HATE the way I look. I feel thoroughly disgusted, no, revolted by the way I look, by my body. I don't feel pretty. And in the times when I do feel like I'm dressed up, all it takes is a walk past a mirror, or a picture, to prove how wrong that is. I hate this feeling. I hate this struggle. And worst of all, I see the patterns appearing in my kids. I see one child, in particular, gaining weight. I see her future, because I'm living it. And I hate myself for not teaching her better. I don't know how to stop this cycle. I don't know how to change and stay changed. I feel so alone in the struggle and so afraid that it's never going to get better. That I will always be fat and ugly. And that all I do in this world will never measure up to the obese, disgusting freak that I see.
I say this not to gain sympathy, or be told it isn't true. Nobody could convince me of that. And I do not say this lightly. I say this because this is what I think, this is what I feel. And if I can't be real about the darkness, (as well as the light, when it's around) then how can I be real at all?