Why?

I am so tired of being chronically tired and in pain. Being so exhausted makes it difficult to feel up to fighting the health battle. I feel so weak. I feel lost. But I am determined to keep on trucking. Even though the ice cream in the freezer is calling my name, and making me promises of happiness. I know that that happiness isn't lasting, and it isn't even real happiness. It's just a temporary relief from feeling the anxiety, stress, and pain I feel. I don't like those feelings. I don't like feeling this way, but it is time to meet those feelings head on. Escaping from the pain hasn't made my life better, it's made it worse. So I figure, maybe facing up to the pain, maybe just letting myself feel it, will help it ease permanently. And maybe someday the emotional toll won't be so heavy.

Bottom line: No amount of pigging out and eating junk food will fix my problems, and it won't fix yours. The only thing that can change me, is me. The only thing I can change is me. And that goes for you too.

Another One Bites The Dust

Yes, one more pound down, for a total loss of 37 pounds. :D Take that! And, someone at a wedding reception yesterday noticed the weight loss, and commented on it to me. She told me how fabulous I looked, and how great I looked, etc. This is a person I really respect and admire, and she is so pretty. So it really felt good to hear it from her.

A New Day

So, June 18th I was supposed to participate in a 5K. I say supposed to, because I did not do it. The people I was supposed to do it with, bailed. Which is a pathetic reason to not do something you want to do. I mean really, think about it. I totally handed over my agency to an outside source. Which is something I harp on all the time. Are you getting healthy for you? or someone else. Obviously, I put too much faith on other people to pull me through an event, rather than on myself.  And so, I must pull myself back up by my bootstraps, and get back on board. Next 5K will be in November. Here's hoping that it is infinitely cooler then! Because today it hit 110 degrees. Yuck!

Invisible

I feel invisible of late. It is hard to stay on track when you feel like nobody but you cares about you. It is during those times when you have to really knuckle down and force yourself to continue to stay on target, just for YOU.  As I said earlier, getting fit/healthier/skinnier for anything, or anyone, but yourself, will not work. You have to do it yourself, for yourself. But knowing that does not necessarily make it easier. Often, I think, our biggest goal thwarters are ourselves. I think that WE often get in the way of OUR progress.

Rockin' Out

I count RockBand as exercise. I exercised for 2 hours yesterday on RockBand. I believe I can count it because a) I really get to wailing on the guitar and drums, and 2) I work up a sweat. I think that even if you are just singing, you can count it IF you dance around like a fool. And so I support advertisement of RockBand (1, 2 and 3) as a piece of your exercise regimen.

And as a side note, I have lost another pound. *Happy Dance* Down 36 lbs, now at 224.

35 Pounds

I went searching the internet to find out how much 35 pounds was, and I found a surprising number of images.
First, this fish weighs 35 pounds. I've lost this much:

Next, this cat:

 Third, this pet rabbit:

And finally, I have lost 35 of these one pound blocks of fat. Ew!

A Small Update

I didn't have too much to muse on today, but wanted to record that another pound has bitten the dust. That's 35 lbs down. Yay!

I also managed to take everybody on a walk to the park today, and while my brother watched the three oldest, the baby and I did a short walk around the park, maybe 30 minutes or so. It was very hot though. At 9 am this morning, it was already pushing 80 degrees. Yuck! But, I did it anyways. Then swung back around the playground and we walked home again.

Frog And Toad: Cookies

Recently, I bought my daughters a series of Frog and Toad books. I read a little from them almost every day for them, which they love. Yesterday, we read from Frog and Toad Together, and found a short story entitled Cookies. I found the reading both entertaining and somewhat enlightening. And so, I thought I would share it with you. Frog and Toad Together: Cookies by Arnold Lobel.

Ok, so I can't write out the entire story, but I will give you a quick summary. So Toad made a bunch of cookies, and invited Frog over to partake in them. When Frog arrived, they began to stuff their faces. At some point, Frog decides that they have had far too many cookies, and shouldn't eat anymore, so they eat a few more.

Frog the wraps up all the cookies in a box and puts them up. Then they eat some more. So Frog tries to hide them somewhere else, and then they eat more. Finally, Frog takes all the cookies outside, calls in some birds, and feeds them all of the cookies.

Toad mourns the loss of the cookies, saying that they are all gone. And Frog agrees, but comforts him that they have lots of willpower! Toad tells Frog that he can keep the willpower, he is going to go home and bake a cake.

The Lesson

Oh Frog and Toad, why must you be so instructive! I have learned many a lesson from them since reading this short story.

How many times have I cleared out the cupboards of my kitchen, tossing out any and all junk,

only to go out to the store later and buy more?

How many times have you done it? Come one now, 'fess up. If you are like me, you'd rather not admit any particular number, so let us just leave it at 'more than once?' It does us no good to clear out the cupboards, if we are only going to fill them again with junk. It does no good for us to lose weight, and work hard to exercise and eat right, if after some event or date, etc, we pile on the pounds again. When we lose weight and get healthy for some outside motive, we will never succeed. We might make some marginal progress for a short time, but it is not a lasting change that we are choosing. This is why fad diets are so popular, people want a quick fix. Unfortunately, quick fixes are not lasting fixes, and therefore are not good roads to take to permanent change.

If you really want to be fit forever, you have to live fit for forever. You have to choose the road that we all know, and yet avoid. Burn more calories than you consume, and exercise regularly. Most of your diet should come from vegetables, some whole grains, some meat, and some dairy. It's your basic food pyramid.

But why do we avoid that road? Because it is HARD. And who wants to choose the hard one, when so many easy roads beckon us, with taunts of "instant results," "lose 10 pounds in 10 days!" etc. But as we all know, "Easy Street," is nothing but a "Dead End."

The other thing I noticed was Frog's declaration that all they needed was "Will Power!" Believe me, if all we needed was will power, there would not be so many fat people in this country. Very few fat people want to be fat. They say they don't want to be fat, they say they desperately want to be fit/thin/healthy/etc. But wanting it, trying really hard is not enough. (Random Star Wars quote of the day) "Do or do not, there is no try."

What that means is that you can try all you want, but really, the words "I will try" are just cop-outs, What you are really saying is "I'm going to give you every indication that I am working on this, and then when it doesn't work, I can say, well I tried." Trying won't get you anywhere, because until you DO it, you haven't succeeded. You can TRY to quit smoking, but until you DO quit smoking, you are still a smoker. I believe it is the same with getting healthy. You can TRY to lose weight, you can TRY to exercise, you can TRY to eat healthier, but until you DO, you will remain fat.  And that is why will power won't get you anywhere. Will power is based on trying, not on doing.

A Running Re-Start

Today I hit the track again. After not exercising for oh . . . well, yeah, a little too long. I had a horrid day, and felt like pounding the pavement, since it would not be kosher to pound what I really want to pound. ;)

So, I pulled on my workout clothes, put on socks and running shoes, and headed off, to the sound of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing!" I walked a good ten minutes, then stopped and stretched my leg muscles and back muscles, and all over. Then I started running. Instead of timing myself, I just listened to the music and sang along. I was surprised to find I was still running when the song ended, so continued during the second song. I think I ran for about 4 minutes or so, as I did not last too long through the second song. That is such an improvement for me, and was an instant mood-booster, which I desperately needed after the day I had.

All told, I walk/ran 3.72 miles today, and I did it in one hour. :D And I am in a better mood now, better than I have felt all day, laryngitis and all. :D

The Jumping Point

Well, somehow, overnight, I managed to lose 5 lbs. Not sure how that worked, but I will take it. If I can just keep the scale moving down, no matter how slowly, I will get there eventually. My baby is sick, and hasn't really slept at all the last few nights. I am sure this is part of why I am feeling so exhausted lately, and the exhaustion is part of why I have felt so out of control and trapped. I need sleep!

Prison

How I feel so trapped today. And yesterday, and the day before. I just feel so weighed down by everything. Things are just not what I want them to be, I am not who or what I want to be. And so I am trapped.

Trapped by things I cannot change.
Trapped by things I can.
Trapped by things I cannot do.
Trapped by things I have to do.
Trapped by things I don't want to do.
Trapped by things I should do.
Just trapped.

I have scoured the internet looking for quick fixes, fad diets, quick changes. But I give every single one over, before even starting, because I know it won't work. I know the 'theory' of weight loss. You know it too, "eat fewer calories than you burn, and exercise." But what does that really MEAN? How do you figure out how much you are eating? I am sure it would shock most of us to realize exactly how many calories we consume on a daily basis. You can enter your food journal into a nifty calorie counter, but are you really being honest with what you are entering. When you enter in that you had a hamburger, did you remember to count that it had gobs of mayonnaise and ketchup on it? If you put down that you had a bowl of ice cream, did you enter that it was 2 cups of ice cream, with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and peanuts (half a cup of them?) So really, how accurate are those calorie counter things?

And exercise. How many of us truly enjoy the exercise? And who has the time? Yes, I am a stay at home mom, therefore I 'should' have tons of time (say those people who either a) do not have kids, or b) leave them in a daycare center) to take care of me. I watched the finale of the Biggest Loser recently. It's a good show, the premise is wonderful. However, one of the final contestants admitted that she spent 6 hours in the gym a DAY! Well, no wonder she lost all that weight! Is it any surprise? But what kind of a life is it to spend 25% of your day in a gym, a quarter of your life? I don't think that that is the kind of life I want. I'd rather be fat.

And so, what is a fat girl to do?