Life Isn't Always Going to Be On The Up-and-Up (and I don't think it is supposed to be!)

So, time for a bit of my own recipe. It's been a crappy few days. Yes, I said crappy (oh no!) but I promise, it will probably be the worst word you will hear from me.

So yea, life is really disappointing right now. I can't get anything done. Nothing stays done. I have a huge mess at my house (a lot of it IS from going though things and weeding out junk we don't need, but a lot of it isn't, and it's just clutter, that never goes away). And mostly, I am just down of late. And to top it all off, I had a bit of a tiff with a loved one today, and I just feel all kinds of out of sorts.

So, what does my *Happy List* say? http://myownquietjourney.blogspot.com/2013_06_01_archive.html well, a whole lot of ideas, so I chose one of them (write on my blog) and here we are.

What I want to talk about today is GRATITUDE. You know, there is a whole lot of joy found in being grateful. So, what I am going to do today is write down some of the things I am thankful to have in my life.

* my husband
* my children: Warrior, Butterfly, J-Dog, Rambo, and Missy
* our pets
* the gospel of Jesus Christ
* forever families
* my friends
* our home
* my husband's job
* my musical talent
* this blog
* our vehicles







Why is gratitude so important? What can it do for me? Well, a quick internet search, revealed a study (http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/Labs/emmons/PWT/index.cfm?Section=4) at the University of California Davis. In their study, they found that:

* In an experimental comparison, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported  fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

* A related benefit was observed in the realm of personal goal attainment: Participants who kept gratitude lists were more likely to have made progress toward important personal goals (academic, interpersonal, and health-based) over a two-month period compared to subject in the other experimental conditions.

* A daily gratitude intervention (self-guided exercises) with young adults resulted in higher reported levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness, and energy compared to a focus on hassles or a downward social comparison (ways in which participants thought they were better off than others). There was no difference in levels of unpleasant emotions reported in the three groups.

* Participants in the daily gratitude condition were more likely to report having helped someone with a personal problem or having offered emotional support to another, relative to the hassles or social comparison condition.

* In a sample of adults with neuromuscular disease, a 21-day gratitude intervention resulted in greater amounts of high energy positive moods, a greater sense of feeling connected to others, more optimistic ratings of one's life, and better sleep duration and sleep quality, relative to the control group.

* Children who practice grateful thinking have more positive attitudes toward school and their families (Froh, Sefick, & Emmons, 2008).

Soooooooooo

What does that mean? Well, those who maintained daily or weekly gratitude journals had healthier eating and exercising habits. They had fewer physical complaints, they felt more confident and relaxed about upcoming events. They had more energy, were able to stay away, determined and attentive, were more enthusiastic about their various goals, and they also made greater strides in reaching than goals than those who did not keep gratitude journals.  They were also more likely to have offered assistance to others. Those with neuromuscular diseases (which is a broad range of issues which affect the muscles, such as multiple sclerosis, muscular dystrophy, ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease) found their pain lessened, and their energy, mood, sleep duration and connectedness with others improved, within only 21 days! Not only that, children who are grateful view their families and school more positively. 

Therefore, being grateful improves your mood, your energy, your health, your happiness. and those who value what they have, will always have enough. Knowing that, I hope that I will be able to maintain a grateful attitude, even when life gets rough. If you notice, the study above did NOT say that people did not experience sadness, grief, or trouble, nothing in this world can remove those things. However, grateful people feel better equipped to handle those stresses and hassles and problems when they arise.

Time to be more thankful for what I have, and to be more gracious of what I am given, compliments included.

My thoughts on CHEATING

I got your attention, didn't I?

Cheating is wrong. Cheating won't make you happy. Cheating won't make you stay happy. Cheating won't make your life better, longer, etc. cheating hurts people.

I saw a post on Facebook the other day, a woman asking others to give her advice on cheating. She wasn't happy with herself, she wanted change, and lasting happiness. Other cheaters were glad to offer their insight, how they cheated, even WHO they cheated with. I was saddened that so few people wanted to work it out, with honesty, effort, and time. People don't get desperate after one day. One bad evening doesn't ruin your life (most of them time). And instant gratification doesn't last. Lasting change, lasting happiness takes hard work and dedication.

Because you didn't get fat and unhealthy off of one meal, you can't expect to get fit and healthy after one small grilled chicken and dressing-less salad either. And cheating with pills, protein shakes, wraps, etc won't create the lifetime of health and  happiness either. And while we are on the subject, being skinny wont make you happy either. Happiness is a choice and an action. We choose happiness, and we act happy (grateful). Happiness does not happen to us, it's not luck or anything else. It is a virtue, we should to cultivate it, or not.

Being fit and healthy is a lifestyle, NOT a stroke of luck, genetics, nor a fancy-shmancy pill or shake wrapped up in a slew of marketing and pyramid-style "team members."  These shortcuts, fads, etc do not create lasting change. Sure, they might work for a few weeks, or months, but once you stop taking them, and continue on with your poor food choices and lack of physical activity, here comes the pounds once again. And when you choose to get all fat and depressed again, who comes slinking back around the corner, begging you to come back? None but your cheating partner in crime. It is a nasty cycle, and one that is perfectly preventable. As hard as it is, as much as you don't want to have to work to get and stay healthy, it is the only way to do it. And by the way, those crazy-cool shakes, pills and wraps won't make you happy either. Shoot, no health and no happiness? Why even bother taking/doing them?

And that is the point, isn't it? You want happiness, you want to look good, well sister, cheating, trying to take shortcuts, won't give you either of those things. Sure, it will make you lighter, but really, only from the loss of money that used to be in your back pocket. If you just want to look good for some vacation, or your high school reunion, fine. But if you want to look good forever, then do it right. Put forth the effort, exercise some determinations and perseverance. Don't fall prey to clever packaging and marketing gimmicks. Be honest, be true, be real. You got this.

Photos: Bear With Me

So, I promised some photos. Some are more clear than others, so just go with me on this! I promise, I HAVE lost 69.4 lbs!

Before: at my brother's wedding, this was actually after I had lost about 20 or so pounds. I am in the purple on the far left ;)

And after, wearing a dress I made:

And, second set of comparison shots. The first one was taken when I was about 17 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby, so I did eventually gain more weight, but it's the nly one I could find!

and the after, same pants and shirt, oddly enough:

So, I think it is fair to say, I want new pants. Not just want, NEED new pants! Anybody wishing to donate to the cause, message me, and I will send you a link ;)

New Theme/Topics/Thingy

I have decided that I am going to be adding more topics to this blog. I have a lot to say, and it isn't just about weight loss. And (as I saw a meme on Facebook), my opinions are like farts. Once one slips out, everybody will know it, and at least one person will leave the room.

Now, having said that, some stats! I am .4 lbs away from having lost 70 pounds. And overall, I am feeling fabulous! I am a bit tired, and I feel pretty stiff in the mornings, but other than that, I feel great! 70 lbs is a lot, unfortunately, it is still 30 lbs less than I want to lose. I've gone from a BMI of 38.4 to 28.1. And a size 26 pant to a 16. My ribcage has dropped from 38 inches to 33 inches. 

Yay for me!

(pictures to follow soon, I hope)

So, Here's The Deal

First, a sort of apology/explanation for my absence.

I have neglected this blog a lot the last several months. It's been pretty rough, dealing with introspection, the nearly insurmountable task of keeping 5 children, not only alive, but healthy and growing, supporting my ever loving husband, and mostly, just trying to keep an even keel as we weather this storm.

BOATING


Life throws some pretty nasty storms. Things that would love to flip over our small boat and toss us into the deep blue see of loathing, depressing and self-hate. Life is pretty good at that it seems. Some days, arguably, are better than others, but most days it's a struggle for me to even keep the boat afloat. Some days I feel like I have lost any ability to actually enjoy the trip anymore, and that makes me sad.


Bootstraps--have you heard the tale? When life gets you down, you gotta pull up your bootstraps and get back to work.

I told a good friend awhile back, that I am afraid that my bootstraps are going to rip, from being pulled up so many times. But I am increasingly wondering about the strength of said bootstraps. I don't think our bootstraps are made of something as fickle as leather or cloth or rubber. I am beginning to think that our bootstraps are actually made of muscle, and that perhaps, the more we pull on them, the stronger they get. And perhaps, eventually, they won't fall down as often, or maybe just not as far. But it's not just the pulling that does it. I think that when we substitute healthy behaviors for our destructive ones, it makes our bootstraps stronger still.

If our first response to trouble or stress is to self-medicate with food or drugs, etc. Or worse, to take our addiction, and then plop in front of a tv so we can further numb ourselves, then our bootstraps are not actually being strengthened. We are, in a sense, allowing them to fall further down as we numb ourselves to the feelings.



However, if our first response to stress is to breathe deeply, do a yoga posture, meditate for a few minutes, paint, read, play piano, sing, listen to loud happy music and dance, or do 25 jumping jacks (or some other exercise) then we are going to lift our spirits and tighten up those straps. Not only that, but it is a "high"
that is going to positively affect our health, waistline and background checks.

So, I would encourage you, next time you feel down and want to reach for that doughnut, or ice cream, or wine, or codeine (etc.) instead, pull back, take a big breath and choose something from your "Happy List" to do.

HAPPY LIST

What's a "Happy List?" It is a list that you make of things that you like to do. It should be fairly lengthy, choose perhaps 20 to start with and add more as you think of them. THIS SHOULD BE WRITTEN DOWN! If it is not written, and easily accessible, then you won't use it. Also, if any item on your list requires supplies, then make sure you have them on hand. I will share with you part of my "Happy Lit." However, be aware that not all of these things will make you happy. This is just an idea to get you started.

MY HAPPY LIST
* Give/Get a hug from one or more of my children
* Hug my husband
* Pet one of my cats
* Pet my dog
* Garden, smell the roses
* Read some Louis L'Amour books
* Draw a picture
* Write in my journal
* Write my blog or books
* Step outside and breathe deep for a few seconds (20-30)
* Turn on some music and dance crazy with the children
* Play the piano
* Sew something
* Design a garment
* Call a friend
* Stretch
* Play the flute
* Play a Native American instrument
* Put on a Richard Simmons tape, and DO IT! He loves you
* Pray
* Read the scriptures
* Watch videos of babies laughing
* Watch videos of baby animals being cute
* Play a game
* Turn on some relaxing music and breathe deep
* Have a good cry, then rinse face with water
* Paint my toenails
* Put on make-up
* De-clutter and donate stuff
* Shop--but be careful of the pocketbook

There is so much you can do! Maybe you can take a class and learn something new. Maybe you could visit a nursing home. Maybe you could volunteer somewhere. There are so many options, many that are low cost and FREE, you just have to choose to do it. I promise, the first couple times, it is hard to choose off the "Happy List," instead of your food, drug, alcohol, etc. That is your addiction speaking. But, the more you choose to be happy instead of addicted, the easier it gets.

You can do it. Get a friend to support you. Get more help if you need it. And, I would advise to seek a Higher Power. God is there, waiting to help you, waiting to make weak things strong unto you, but you have to ask Him, He won't interfere if you don't ask.

You are getting stronger, every day you try to do better. Keep going. Keep Trying. Keep picking yourself up. 

Are You A Pusher?

Are you a pusher?? If you had a friend who was a recovering alcoholic, would you offer them a tall glass of beer? What about just a small glass of wine? If they turned you down, would you offer them a shot of liquor, or just a tiny sip? If you would, shame on you, but I hope you don't! What about a friend trying to quit smoking? Would you push them?

  If you had a friend who was a drug addict and who was trying to quit, would you offer them heroin? How about a couple lines of crack? What about just a quick puff? NO! You wouldn't (at least, I hope you wouldn't). Because you love your friend, and you want them to better themselves, right? You want what's best for them, right? If you are a good friend, you don't want to drag them down, you want to be supportive in helping them reach their goals.

 However, so many times when we have friends who are trying to lose weight, we seem to try and convince them to try just one bite. "One bite of chocolate isn't going to hurt," we might say. "Just try one bite-size piece of cheesecake," "or it's only one cookie." Unfortunately, food addiction is real. And just one piece of sugar-inundated dessert/candy/thing we-are-trying-to-avoid is enough to send our friend over the hill.


 I thought I could eat just one Girl Scout cookie. Yeah, cue an entire day of binge eating, trying to up the sugar high again.

Let me be frank. If you offer someone something, be it alcohol, drugs, or food, and they turn you down, it is not an insult to you. We are not trying to tell you your cooking is bad, or make you feel guilty for indulging yourself. When we turn you down, we have just surmounted the most difficult thing, I think, that we face. Turning down our addiction is so hard, especially when you hold it right in our faces. And I promise, if you continue to press us to partake, it will only make us either a) mad and defensive, or b) feel like we are hurting your feelings by not partaking, and lead us to making a difficult decision, even harder, or possibly c) we may need to re-evaluate our friendship, because quitting an addiction is hard, and we need people who will support us and help us quit. We need you there, in a supportive role.

Let me put it this way. That one bite, one sip, one time COULD hurt us. That one incidence of partaking could be likened to a bite from a cobra. It IS dangerous for us. Overeating leads to obesity, obesity leads to heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, Type 2 diabetes, heart attack, stroke, lost mobility, and so many more problems, all of which can lead to death. It's as simple as that. We know that that is not what you intend. There are a variety of reasons a person might become a pusher, and those are important ones. Reasons that the 'pusher' should examine within themselves, some reasons may include feeling guilty, perhaps they struggle with the same addictions, or others. It could be fear that drives someone to be a pusher, fear of losing their friend, or the relationship changing. It could be any number of other reasons. But the bottom line is, no means no. Please don't push us. Please respect us enough to love us and support us. We need your help. We need your support. We need your love and friendship. Thank you.

Pain

I miss my junk food. I miss being able to escape pain and depression with food. We have had a couple of really sad events in my family of late. Three of my dear family members have suffered miscarriages. One of them is currently going through it right now. My heart is broken for her and her husband. And I know from experience that that pain is not nearly what she is going through. But I ache and grieve for them. And their loss brings up the memory of my own, and of my other family members and friends. And it's a lot of pain to deal with.

We also received word that my husband was turned down for another job. I don't talk about it much, and I don't wish to elaborate much, so let me be brief in saying that my husband has been looking for better employment for a long time. I have lost count of how many applications, interviews and rejections we have been through. It's really draining on me.

And I am dealing with some other personal issues that I also don't want to discuss right now. Maybe some day I will, but not now, I need to sort it out in my mind more, before I share it.

Suffice it to say, I am very overwhelmed. And I am tired. I have a 9 week old baby, and four other children. The oldest is 7.5 years old. Needless to point out, I am sleep-deprived and tired and probably over-worked, and exhausted in every way.
I joined this fitness challenge. I'm going to lose it, I am sure. It cost $10 to enter, which I felt was fair enough. One week in and I have lost a measly 1.4 lbs. Which is okay I guess, but nothing compared to those who lost 6 or 7 pounds. The contest goes for 90 days, winner takes all (highest percentage lost).

Anyways, as part of this challenge, and as part of my healthier lifestyle, I am trying to boycott sugar, like as much as I possibly can. I am not perfect at it, not by any means, but I am trying. I am also trying to limit excess fats. Unfortunately, when I am anxious, stressed and discouraged/depressed, those are the things I turn to. I turn to candy and cookies and pizza and ice cream. They have always been there for me, like a friend to lay my shoulder on and cry. So here I am, grieving and depressed and tired and stressed, and I want my drug, my junk food. I know it won't fix anything, it won't help, it won't solve the issues, nor will it help me to solve the issues. But I don't want it because I think it will. I want it because I know that it will dull the senses. For 5 minutes I will be able to escape the worries and the pain. For 5 minutes I won't have to feel anything. Maybe even longer, if I eat enough. Sure, I will feel worse after it wears off. Like a hangover after a night of drinking (I have never drank alcohol before, but I have heard), when the effect wears off, I will feel worse than before, sick and bloated, crabby, and probably a headache too. But today is so heavy on my soul, that it sounds worth it for right now. And as I struggle to put it off (stores closed at 10 pm, so I am safe for tonight), I find myself trying to figure out how to get rid of the pain. There is only healthy stuff here. Won't do any good to binge on that. I should go to sleep, it's 11:17 pm right no. My kids are all asleep, the dog is asleep, the hubby is asleep. But no, I am awake, my mind turning gears and bringing up more and more pain. And there is no junk food in the house. If there was, I could eat it, then go to sleep and escape the anxiety, stress, pain, until the baby wakes up to eat. But still, the food would shut my brain off for a bit. It would shut out the emotions I am dealing with, and allow me a respite.

Then I realize what an addicted statement that is. 'I could shut off my brain for a bit.' This wonderful, impressive, fascinating organ, I want to turn it off?' I want to numb my brain, to cause damage to myself? All at the expense of what? 5 minutes? 10 minutes? an hour? Followed by feeling sick for at least a day, destroying my body, and cutting my life and health short. I don't have anything left to fight off the emotions and grief I feel. And I know food won't help it. I don't know what will, or if anything can. My mother said I needed to turn it over to God. But I don't even know how to ask Him. I thought about asking some family and friends to pray for us, but I don't even know what I want anymore. So I soldier on, feeling very alone.

And so, I sit here, hoping to feel tired enough soon, so that I can try to go to sleep. So that I can try to rest up and replenish my store of 'willpower' in order to live another day and fight off the desire, the addiction to food.  I feel bad that this post is rather sad, perhaps even unhelpful. But I am trying to be real. I am striving to be authentic and vulnerable (read Brene Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection" or looks up her TEDx talks on YouTube). The point of this blog is to chronicle my journey, and to be honest and real with anybody who might happen upon it. So that's what I strive to be, Honest and Real.