Sabatoge, or Capitalism at it's Finest?

I talked with my mom today. This is not a new or rare occurrence, we talk pretty much everyday, but this morning we were talking about about health and such, which is also not rare. I love talking with her as we share and gain insights with each other on a vast myriad of subjects from childbirth to weight loss to shame/vulnerability/guilt to religion/faith to parenting to politics to just general thinking.

Anyways, this morning we were talking about weight loss and exercise. My mom has been going to a gym a few days a week with my sister for some extra exercise. And it was rather appalling to me the amount of sabotage that was going on there. Now, this gym advertises itself as a judgment free zone. This is a good thing. And a popular weight loss competition show advocates for this gym (according to my mom, I don't watch any television, so I wouldn't know). My mom was telling me that at the registration counter, there is a bowl of free candy. And, the place also happens to sell high sugar, HFCS drinks and other assorted junk food. I mentioned that that sounded to me like sabotage. I mean, why would a gym encourage it's members to partake in high calorie, low benefit foods/drinks? I mean, soda? Free candy? How does that fit into the gym's mission statement? Their statement reads:

"Our Mission Statement
We at Planet Fitness are here to provide a unique environment in which anyone – and we mean anyone – can be comfortable. A diverse, Judgement Free Zone® where a lasting, active lifestyle can be built. Our product is a tool, a means to an end; not a brand name or a mold-maker, but a tool that can be used by anyone. In the end, it’s all about you. As we evolve and educate ourselves, we will seek to perfect this safe, energetic environment, where everyone feels accepted and respected. We are not here to kiss your butt, only to kick it if that’s what you need. We need you, because face it, our planet wouldn’t be the same without you. You belong!

The Judgement Free Zone® (haha, they misspelled Judgment on their Corporate page, LOL)
As the most innovative health club brand in the United States, Planet Fitness is known for a lot of things – our absurdly low prices, our Lunk™ Alarm, and most of all perhaps, for our Judgement Free Zone® philosophy, which means members can relax, get in shape, and have fun without being subjected to the hard-core, look-at-me attitude that exists in too many gyms."

Now, I understand that for some people, it can discouraging to work out alongside body builders and model-esque women. I get that, and can see the need for a place where people can work out without judgment. However, here we have a gym full of overweight people (body builders and skinny people are not allowed). Now, in my limited experience, and mostly just my own, putting a bowl of free candy out is a bad idea! It's like inviting a friend over for dinner, a recovering alcoholic, and putting a glass of wine at his chair. Oh sure, you can tell him all you want "don't feel pressure to drink it, it's your choice, I won't feel bad, etc, blah-blah-blah, ad nauseam." Or smoking around someone who is trying to quit, and offering them a pack too. Isn't the sugar/candy/food the reason these people are overweight and obese? So why are they supplying them with their drug? Some of it FOR FREE!?

My mom brought up a story she had seen (also on this weight loss show) about a school that sold all kinds of junk food to the students. When pressed on why the administrators allowed this sort of thing, they tried to make some lame excuse about there being some fruit on the list too, etc. What it really boils down to is the students were addicted to the sugar, to the "highly palatable foods" that the school was offering, and the school was making MONEY off of that addiction. They didn't want to stop offering junk food, because it was going to affect their pocketbook. No matter the effect it had on the students, sugar highs and drops, behavioral, obesity, ill health, etc. No, the almighty dollar ruled.

I wonder if this gym, which promotes themselves as this wonderful tool for weight loss and health recognizes the danger they present by supplying high sugar drinks (and probably other 'highly palatable' items: candy bars, etc) and free candy to their patrons. Or, if they even care? Is it the almighty dollar at work again? Keeping their clients fat so they come back? This, I do not know the answer to, however, I do think it is fair to point out the unhealthy irony. Just as an alcoholic cannot drink in moderation, a heroin addict cannot shoot up in moderation, a sugar or "highly palatable food" addict CANNOT eat those items in moderation.

I Think . . .

I think I have a sugar addiction.

I am not sure how long this blog post will be. I feel I need to do some more exploring before I can fully express my thoughts, but I wanted to at least get the subject out there. I haven't had sugar in awhile. I mean, I suppose I have had some, but not this way. My daughter brought home a box of Girl Scout cookies the other day, and gave everybody one. Thinking nothing of it, I accepted one. It wasn't that great tasting at all really. However, since then, I have had an intense desire for more sugar. It is so intense. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I want sugar. During the day, when I am driving, watching a movie, feeding the baby. I want it badly. Sitting here typing about it, I am picturing exactly where in the kitchen I have more. It blocks my desire to eat anything else even. In fact, I found myself calculating the caloric value of some sugary treats so I could see if I could cut out some veggies or a meal to allow it. Yea, it's that bad.

I talked to my mom today, while she was walking 9 miles. Yeah. I talked to her a bit about this sugar thing. I did not ever think I had a food addiction or sugar addiction. I mean, I just like food, I can stop whenever I want to, etc. (Yea, THAT doesn't sound like a smoker or alcoholic!) I don't remember it being that bad stopping eating sugar. I don't even know if it was a conscious decision, versus a cost saving one, you know? But after that one cookie, I almost couldn't stop eating more. And I haven't been able to stop wanting more either. It's almost frightening how badly I want that sugar.

Last night we went to a birthday party. I knew there would be pizza and cake, so I made sure to allow myself calories to eat it. I had two slices of pizza, and a very small piece of cake, perfectly within reason. I didn't even finish the cake. I didn't like it (sorry to my friend!) But all the rest of the evening, I wanted more pizza. Today too. And the cake? My husband brought some home. I told my friend no thank you, we didn't need it, but I guess my hubby can't turn down free food. So now, this cake is in my kitchen calling my name. I didn't even like it. But I crave it, and pizza. WHY?!?! That I do not know, I don't understand the science behind it. But, I do know this. Something in the cake and cookies (sugar?) and something in the pizza must trigger something chemically in my brain or body to make me crave more of it. Especially, since I didn't even like the two sugary options when I had them.

I am starting to see the wisdom in my mother's method of 'dieting' (term used very, very loosely). She never cheats. With her, it's all or nothing. Maybe moderation is NOT a good idea. I didn't have these cravings until I had just a little. Is this what an alcoholic tries to do? "I'll just have ONE beer, and be responsible." Does that work for them? Or a smoker, "Instead of two packs a day, I will just do one." Do those types of responses lead to the addictee to being able to quit? I don't know. But I do know that trying to keep things in moderation this time around, is harder than just abstaining from the junk completely. And I fear I am addicted to it. As I try to picture myself never having cake again, and the sorrow, the deep sense of loss I feel. Like saying goodbye forever to a dear friend. Why have I made food my friend instead of real people? That's not right.

We were discussing the dangers of smoking and alcohol in the children' class on Sunday (discussing agency and choosing the right) and one of the teachers brought up a powerful point. Some people (maybe more, I don't know) have a genetic (perhaps) trigger to being addicted. One puff or sip might be all it takes to pull that trigger, and when that trigger is pulled, we give up our agency to choose. We then can't say no to having more. I am feeling the same way about sugar right now. I don't suppose I will ever stop wanting to eat it, but I hope the intense craving lessens over time.

I need to tie this into how our traditions make us fat, but I think that is a topic for another day.

So, It's Been Awhile . . .

A lot has happened in the last two (almost) months. The day after my last post (November 30), my precious princess #3 was born (child #5). Miss W was 9 days late, but isn't a lady always a tad late, in order to make a grand entrance. Since then, we have battled illness after illness in our home. But, finally we are all healthy, and hopefully, it will STAY that way for a LONG time.

Lately, I have been studying/reading up on the topic of SHAME. And boy have my eyes been opened. There is a wonderful "shame researcher" on YouTube named Brene Brown. I recommend you ALL to watch her two videos from the "TED" conferences. I am also reading her book "The Gifts of Imperfections." And as I read them, I discover a lot of pain, and introspection, and stuff that I REALLY don't want to deal with.

I have a confession to make, I gained back pretty much everything I lost. That's right. I look and feel awful, again. And on the one hand, I feel like I kinda deserve it. Like, I am not worthy or deserving of looking and feeling good. And I am really struggling with LOTS of feelings of worthlessness and such. It's been quite a struggle, especially of late it seems. I hate the way I feel. And a lot of me hates myself. I want to be happy. I am tired of the struggle, of the work, of things being so hard for me and my family. And while I recognize and appreciate the blessings I have been given, I still struggle with those things making me feel happy. Brene talks about how we numb ourselves, with food, alcohol, prescription (and less savory) drugs, etc to avoid feeling things we don't like. And boy is that true for me. I don't like feeling worthless. I don't like feeling trapped. I don't like feeling unhappy. So I use food to medicate myself into NOT feeling those things. Food makes me feel good, if only for a short while. And that short while is WORTH it for me.

There is a meme floating around that says "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." I don't think that that is necessarily true. The prospect of being "skinny" does not feel as good to me as a nice, warm brownie. "Skinny" does not feel as good as it feels to mindlessly eat through a bag of candy or chips and to feel free of emotional stress and worry for just a few minutes. "Skinny" isn't enough for me.

But I am trying to remind myself why I started this blog, this journey, in the first place. I started this journey because I wanted to be able to play with my kids. I want to be able to sit on the floor and play, to run and jump with them, to be involved physically in their lives, right in the ring with them; not stuck on the sidelines. I want to live long enough to watch them all grow up and become upstanding adults, to watch them raise their own little families. To meet all of my grandkids, some great grandkids, and if I am lucky maybe a few great great grandkids. And you know what? Fat people die earlier. And, in my experience, fat people don't have very happy lives. The reason I started this blog was because I wanted to maybe inspire one person to try again, to lift one person to start anew, or to begin for the first time. And today I realized, that one person? The one person who decides that he or she can start again? That one person can be me. You know, if I am the only person that this blog helps get control, isn't that enough? Yes, I do believe it is.

And so, even though I am fallen so far back, even though I totally blew my 'diet' (term used loosely here) today, that doesn't me that tomorrow can't be better. It doesn't mean that I have to go into my kitchen and finish off that ice cream. It doesn't mean I have to throw in the towel on this day. For another hour and a half, this day is salvageable. So, here I go, back on the train. As long as I am alive, it is not too late to change, to make a difference.

Two things: I have joined a weight loss challenge. $10 to join, winner (highest percentage lost) takes all the money. And the other: I opened an account on loseit.com. Basically, it is a calorie counter. I like it because I don't have to count all my calories myself, it does it for me.  Oh, and also, I have found a video series on YouTube by 'CafeMomStudios." They have soooo many videos, like 30 minute cardio routines, 20 minute yoga, etc etc etc and so forth. While I still love my main man Mr. Simmons (you know I love you Richard), the videos I have of his are 45 minutes to an hour, and with my now 8 week old baby, I just don't have the time to devote all at once like that. I am hoping to be able to do a 30 minutes cardio in the morning, and a 20 minute yoga in the evenings.

So yea, I guess that's it for now. Welcome back to a live blog. And one more thing, I saw a meme the other day, which I will butcher horribly with paraphrasing, but essentially it said "Even if you are the slowest runner/walker, you are still lapping everybody on the couch." How true is that? No matter how slow you have to go, you are still doing better than you were before.

Never Give Up!

My mom shared this video on her Facebook a couple days ago. I just watched it this morning. I would encourage all of my blog followers to do the same. It is a short video clip about a disabled veteran who, when faced with insurmountable odds, refused to quit. When he first received his bad news, he did at first give up. He didn't believe in himself. He didn't take care of himself, and he was a sad and bitter looking man. I don't know the man personally, so I can't say how he was really feeling. But I can wager a guess. And I can wager that what his inner voice was telling him was unkind. I can bet that he felt hopeless, helpless, and useless. Doctor's told him he would never walk unassisted, exercises gurus couldn't help him. He turned to yoga, and they also turned him away, except for one guy. One instructor offered him a glimmer of hope, a short chance in the dark. And this man latched onto it. He gave it his all. I am sure he wanted to give up at times. I am sure he probably cried out in pain and frustration. I am sure he probably wanted to quit a million times. But that's not the important thing. The important thing is he didn't give up. He didn't quit. And he kept on keeping on.

Personally, I find this man an inspiration. I wish I could put into better words my thoughts on his determination. He is awesome. Since I cannot fully express myself as well as I would like today, I beg that you please follow this link to his youtube video. I don't often like to send people to other sites from my blog, but I think that this time is well worth it.

Thank you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2laIPeiMtE

"The Rope" Lesson

Do you remember back in gym class, when the dreaded section on "The Rope" started? I hated it. Essentially, in case you were spared this torture, a long rope was suspended from the ceiling of the gymnasium, approximately 25 feet in height/length, although, to me, it looked like about a hundred feet! This rope sometimes had knots in it, and sometimes it did not. The point of the exercise was to send each student to climb the rope, one at a time, while his or her peers watched. Because the rope was suspended in the middle of the room, there was nothing to use for leverage, other than the child's arms and his or her own upper body strength. 

When I was a young student, we had to climb up the length of the rope and touch the ceiling I-beam. Once we could do it, we didn't have to do it again. Unfortunately, I never reached the top. However, the memory of the climbing rope has far outlasted anything else I remember from gym class. 

As I have pondered some things recently about life, the recollection of the climbing rope again has entered my mind. I read recently (on a social networking site I believe) a 'meme' that said when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. I thought about that for awhile, and then another contact commented (at another time) how she didn't want to hang on to the rope anymore, she wanted to let go. And one of her contacts responded, "Well, then let it go." What wise words.

In the climbing rope exercise, you can only hang on for so long. If you hang on too long, your arms and hands and body are likely to lose their grip, and you run the risk of a terrible fall. However, by choosing to let go, you can often pick where and how you land. With the climbing rope, I discovered that the best course of action was to move as quickly as possible. The slower I advanced, the shorter the height I was able to travel. However, there comes a point when you do have to stop and catch your breath and hang on for a minute. Then, you can continue the ascent. But, if you stop for too long, you will find that you can't go on anymore. 

So too, I think, is life. When we start into our daily lives, we are often thrown trials and challenges that we must overcome. It is best to face these head on and push on through them. However, some of our trials and challenges may be more than we can stand at once. Sometimes, the challenge or trial is a long drawn out affair. We set in to work through it, but find that partway through, we are tired and worn out. We may feel defeated and beat down. So we stop and hold on for a minute. Sometimes, that breather is all we need to build up our resolve and strength and soldier on again. But sometimes, we truly do need to just choose our landing spot and let go of the rope. It's hard, and it sometimes feels like we are giving up. But letting go of the rope allows us time to regroup. It allows us time to re-examine the trial. It allows us to step back and look at the bigger picture, and see if there is another way to attack the challenge. And sometimes, when we let go and step back, we find that that particular rope isn't the one that we have to climb. Oh what freedom! Sometimes, letting go of the rope, is the only way we can ever climb it. Sometimes, we cannot solve the challenge or trial, until we step back and re-evaluate it. And sometimes, the challenge that we think is ours to beat, actually doesn't have to be fought by us, or maybe it doesn't have to be fought alone, or maybe the challenge doesn't really exist, we just think it does. Picking our landing spot and letting go, gives us the chance to step back and decide how best to proceed. 

And so I say, when you get to the end of your rope, go ahead, tie a knot and hang on. But, if your arms begin to ache, and you can't hold on any longer, look around, choose your landing, and just let it go. 

I Didn't Think I Would Be Grateful

Pretty much my whole life, I remember reading stories about people enduring and overcoming trials. I always thought, "how could they possibly be grateful for all they had to go through?" I didn't believe it, I thought perhaps they were lying or something. How could someone lose a child, and then later say they were grateful? How could someone lose a job, their house, etc, and be grateful? How could a person suffer from a mental or physical infirmity, struggle to live through each day, and somehow find that they were grateful?  I didn't understand it then.

Two years ago, no more than that, closer to two and a half or so, my family entered a really difficult time. I have struggled to understand. I have cried and yelled and fought back. When that failed, I wanted to give up. What was the point? If it didn't matter what we did, bad stuff was going to happen, then why try to do the right things? After awhile, a LONG while, with multiple trials and curves being thrown at us, somewhere in the midst of the hysteria, in the middle of the panic, I found peace. I found my precious unborn baby. I found that I loved this baby with all my heart, just as I love my kids and husband. I found that I could keep trying, because this baby and my family needed me. And I found that I WAS grateful, for everything.

I was grateful for a horrible boss. That horrible man, who treated my husband like dirt, who insulted him, micromanaged him, maligned him, kicked him when he was down, falsely accused him, led him to believe that he knew nothing and that his degrees were worthless (although superior to the boss's education), and finally arranged to have him fired. I could be grateful in spite of all that, because it motivated my husband to find other work. And the new job came with a boss who was kind, caring, a true leader, respectful and encouraging. I am grateful for a horrible boss, because he taught me how to be a better wife. He taught me how not to treat the good, humble, sincere man I married. He taught me that words alone can destroy a person. I am grateful for these necessary lessons, lessons which I needed to learn. I am grateful.

I am grateful for the long commute my husband has each day. Although it means we needed to purchase a second car, with it's accompanying insurance and fuel costs, it allowed my husband time to unwind from work. Also, through a car pool with two good men at two different times, my husband was given some really good friends, men with whom he can connect and discuss topics of religion, politics and philosophy, etc. This has been so good for him. Even though the commute, and the time difference between his employment and our home means he is gone from 8 am to after 7 pm, I am grateful, because my husband gets that necessary time to connect with people outside of work, something he rarely had before. I am grateful.

I am grateful for the unexpected blessing of this unborn baby. I wasn't ready, we weren't ready to welcome any additions at this time. And at first I was angry and anxious. But I am now grateful, grateful for the way that this tiny angel has already touched my life, for the way this baby has touched my family. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned, already, from being this baby's mother. I have learned to accept things in God's time. I have learned to trust that it's going to be okay. I have learned a little about how to live in the moment. Our lives, life in general, is really just a blink, we never know when our last day, or a loved one's last day may be. We need to treasure each moment as it comes, to look for the good in every second, because it might just be our last chance to be with someone. I am still learning this last lesson, but I am grateful for it as it is being taught. I have learned to hold my children close every day, to make sure that they know that I love them. I am grateful.

It hasn't been an easy two and a half years. Some parts have been extremely difficult, and all of it has been long and hard, but looking bad, maybe it all wasn't so bad. I still have hard days, and there are more hard days coming in the future. Some days I still struggle. But I know that I will be grateful for these days too. If only because they are days that I and my children and husband lived, there will be reasons to be grateful. And I am grateful.

I am grateful for hard times, financially. I am grateful, because I have learned to not be so judgmental. I have learned that things aren't always what they seem on the outside, and that only God knows the whole story. I am grateful to have struggled in this economy, because it has taught me to think more charitably of others. It has taught me to reach out and try to help more people. Because I know that I am struggling, that we are struggling, I have learned that others must be struggling too. Our own financial troubles have helped me to widen my vision, and truly see other people, and not be so absorbed in my own problems. I have been able to open my eyes, and see that trials are all around, people are suffering everywhere, some of them much more than I. I am grateful for the lesson on charity. I am grateful to have learned to give selflessly, to give without judgment, and to serve without pretense nor grumbling. I am grateful.

God is in control. I cling to that hope and knowledge, that somehow all of my trials and hardships will be for my good. And even if the only good is that I learn a valuable lesson, well then I guess that's good enough. There are people out there who have it harder than I do. And I am grateful that I have not been called to endure their trials instead of my own. I am grateful to have my own trials, given in their own time, and in the time I need them. I am grateful.

Always Learning

I have not written much lately, largely because the last several months have been in turmoil, and I didn't know how to say what I felt. I also didn't want to share the emotions and feelings I had been experiencing, because I felt guilty for what I felt. I didn't want people to think I was heartless or somehow a bad person. Even with the anonymity of the internet, I was worried about what you all out in inter-space would think of me. But I realized that that didn't matter anymore. What I felt was real, and to a degree, continues to be real to me. And so, I share it, albeit with hesitation, because maybe someone out there needs to read it, and realize, hey, you know what, it's okay to feel. It's okay to experience the dark feeling. And if she could get through it, then maybe I can too. And maybe it will inspire that other person to try again, and to keep going. Now I also realize that not everybody can relate to what I have been feeling. And I realize too that there may be some people who are angry with what I have to say, and may feel hurt too. Please know, that these are just my feelings with my situation. I realize the pain and struggle your own experiences may be, and I wish you all the success in your journey. At the same time, I ask for understanding on my end too. Our experiences in life are not at all the same, what may be a trial or a difficulty for one, may be a blessing to another. Just as we are not the same, neither are our trials, blessings and experiences. The following recounts my experiences with a difficulty in my own life. One that began about 5 months ago. One that slapped me upside the face with shock.

You cannot imagine the surprise and shock I felt at this news. I was pregnant. And for the first few days I was completely numb with the knowledge. And then I got mad. This was not what I wanted right now. That is not to say that we never wanted anymore children, because we did, just not right now. I was thinking maybe late fall/winter of 2013 or so. This just did not fit in with my plans. I was in the process of losing weight and getting healthy. My husband's future employment was in question, our finances are/were completely strapped. Our house is too small, our car is too small. We were not ready to do this again. And on top of that, I had what I would consider a traumatic birth with my 4th baby, and had not fully healed from the injuries I suffered. I wasn't ready to even consider birth again so soon. But here I was. After I was angry for awhile, I started to worry. I worried about finances. I worried about my husband's job. I worried about how I was going to handle 5 kids. I worried about where I was going to put another baby. I worried about how I was going to be able to afford clothing, supplies, and other things for the baby. I had given away almost all of my baby stuff to other people who needed it, thinking that it didn't make sense to keep all this stuff that I didn't need and wouldn't need for awhile. We had our ultrasound and that just make things more real, this was actually happening to me. I hadn't just imagined it.

I thought seeing my 'jelly bean' would help me feel more secure, but I actually felt more anxious about things. And I was really worried about the future birth too. And then I got to 15 weeks, and I started trying to feel baby movement. Every other baby I have felt by 15 weeks. But this one, nothing. I waited and waited and waited. And finally, just short of 20 weeks, I felt a little wiggle. And then a thump. Relief flooded through me, and I thought, maybe I can do this again.

 
I still worried though, and I stressed myself out with anxiety and all of the what-ifs and how-tos. Right at 20 weeks, my husband felt the baby kick. And I smiled, as I remembered how much fun this feeling could be, and how much I have loved it every time before. Yesterday, we had our fetal anatomy scan, and I was amazed, again, at the beauty of the unborn child. I marveled at our baby's perfect little nose, their adorable, dented upper-lip. I stared in wonder at their tiny hands, perfect feet, and sweet, little ears. And in that moment, I realized how much I loved our precious child. Yes, they were coming to us in a time that we weren't planning, yes, things were not perfect here. And yes, I still don't know how we are going to make everything work, but this I know: I love my baby. I would do anything for my child, and somehow, I know it's all going to turn out okay. Somehow, we will make it work. These last couple weeks, at different times, my husband has worried or stressed over something, and I have found myself repeating to him "Just do your best, and let God deal with the rest." And I find that I actually do believe that myself. I am grateful for this new baby, and for everything I have learned so far. I am grateful for the trial of this surprise, because I have learned so much. I don't think I could have learned so much if not for the surprise, the unknown, and at times, the struggle. What will be, will be, and even though I still get scared and worry about the how-tos and the what-ifs, I know, somewhere in my soul, that it's going to be okay. All I have to do is try my best, take each day one at a time, and focus on what I can do and not what I can't.  And so, today, I focus on how much I love my children, and how blessed my baby will be to come to a family that loves them so much. Our needs will be met, and maybe we won't get as many of our wants as we'd like, but we have each other, we have what we need, we have friends and family, we have our faith, and we have a whole lot of love to give and share. And with ALL of that, do we really want for much else?